Communicating with the Bereaved and Relational Dialectics Theory
Marguerite Henry and Brian Porterfield
College of Charleston
March 11, 2013
Communicating with the Bereaved and Relational Dialectics Theory
Introduction
When a person experiences the death of a child, parent, sibling, or friend, he or she encounters an overwhelming amount of grief. As previous research has shown, people deal with the death of a loved one in varying ways. Because of these differences people surrounding the bereaved find it difficult to communicate with them. This push and pull of communication in relationships is described in Baxter and Montgomery’s Relational Dialectics Theory. Relational Dialectics plays a large part in communication with the bereaved because the tensions existing between the two communicators cause the lack of verbal and nonverbal support from one person to another. Whether it is a friend attempting to console another friend who has just lost a parent or a couple trying to get through the loss of a child, dialectical tensions exist in these circumstances. Research has been conducted to further explore how grieving people interact with one another and how it ties into Relational Dialectics Theory. Two dialectic tensions really stand out in the research on Relational Dialectics Theory and communication with the bereaved. The autonomy-connectedness tension plays a large part in the grieving and communication process, as well as the openness-closedness tension. With the openness-closedness tension, self-disclosure becomes a vital part of the healing process as well. Relational Dialectics Theory relates thoroughly to the topic of communicating with the bereaved because of the ever changing and dynamic way that people communicate with one another in these types of unfortunate circumstances.
Autonomy-Connectedness
The loss of a loved one takes time to heal. Communicating with someone who has experienced this type of devastation can be extremely difficult. Many times, the person who has lost a loved one wants to talk and feel connected, and then other times, it seems as though he or she wants to be alone and independent. This phenomenon can be looked at through the dialectical tension known as autonomy-connectedness. Wanting to feel connected, yet maintain individuality comes with losing a loved one. For example, even though elderly women who have husbands with adult dementia haven’t fully “lost” their husbands yet, they are very much still grieving the loss of their life-long partner (Baxter, Braithwaite, Golish, & Olson, 2002). These “married widows” still communicate with their partners and feel connected, but they are, in a way, on their own and disconnected from their former partner (Baxter & Braithwaite, 2002). Also, parents who have suffered the loss of a child deal with tensions in their communicative relations, as well. Toller argues that there would be a significant impact on the dialectical contradictions in the partners’ relationship after the child has passed away (Toller & Braithwaite, 2009).
In a study conducted by Toller and Braithwaite in 2009 that investigated the different dialectical tensions between by parents who experienced the death of a child, results showed that participant parents grieved together and shared the pain of their loss, but at the same time, they were aware that they both had to work on the grieving process on their own (Toller & Braithwaite, 2009). The way that these couples communicated was influenced by the way that the tensions interplayed into their relationship after the loss of their child. Toller and Braithwaite’s study (2009) found that couples managed and negotiated the autonomy-connectedness tension in three different ways:
First, parents managed this tension by accepting their grieving differences and dissimilarities. Second, parents negotiated this tension by compromising in order to partially meet both ends of the contradiction. Finally, parents navigated this tension by seeking outside help, which ultimately helped them to honor each pole of the contradiction at differing times. (p.266)
To further reiterate the significance of connectedness in communication with the bereaved, research shows that in a study investigating how social support can affect family and friends of a recently deceased person, results show that on the study’s Sense of Coherence Scale, participants were placed generally high in the need for coherence in regards to social support (Benkel, 2009). At the same time however, many bereaved need to get better on their own. The way in which the autonomy-connectedness tension plays into the communication between grieving partners or between people who have lost someone close to them and a friend is shown in the above research. Another tension that is very prevalent in research on communicating with the bereaved is the openness-closedness contradiction.
Openness-Closedness
Many people who have just suffered a loss do not want to communicate about it at all. Some bereaved want to talk about it a lot. While some people want to surround themselves with others, there are some people who do not even want to communicate during their time of grief. The griever realizes his or her relationships with his friends and family are changing, and many individuals need time to process the situation on their own (Herkert, 2000). In a study on communication and bereaved individuals, Paige W. Toller (2005) investigated how bereaved parents communicate in their social networks. The study found that the decision to speak about the death of their child presented an obvious contradiction. This contradiction included feeling the need to talk about their loss compared with the feeling of riskiness associated with opening up to family and friends who might suggest they “move on” from their tragedy (Toller, 2005). One mother participant in the study mentioned that she speaks openly about the death of her daughter so that people are aware of the “persistent pain that follows the death of a child,” (Toller, 2005, p. 51). According the results of the study, some parents felt that speaking openly about the death of their child was comforting and they bonded with other parents about it, which also relates to the autonomy-connectedness tension, as discussed previously. On the other hand, some parents in the study remain silent about the death of their child due to the tendency of parents to place the comfort of others above their own (Toller, 2005). Self-disclosing is essential to openness-closedness contradiction, and in much of the research found, it is a vital part in many of the studies.
Self-Disclosure
In relation to communication with the bereaved, self-disclosure is a vital part of the tricky process of attempting to talk to someone who has experienced death. In the study conducted by Baxter, Braithwaite, Golish, and Olson in 2002 investigating communication between wives of husbands with adult dementia, results found that the openness-closedness tension was very prevalent in their communication. The wives discuss having difficult experiences with this tension because of the somewhat “death” of their spouse’s memory, and they told researchers that they avoided disclosing certain information because of the anger that would arise from their husbands (Baxter, Braithwaite, Golish, & Olson, 2002). On the other hand, the study found that some participant wives disclose information to their husbands because it makes them happier, but they had to figure this out over trial and error (Baxter, Braithwaite, Golish, & Olson, 2002). Similarly, in the study by Toller in 2005 investigating grieving parents and how they communicate in their social networks, participant parents reported that they attempt to manage the contradiction by being selective of whom they disclosed information to (Toller, 2005). They did this by perceiving whether or not the person they were disclosing to would react negatively or not, and in some cases, whether or not the parent felt “safe” disclosing personal information about their dead child (Toller, 2005). Self-disclosure for the bereaved can be a tricky and extremely personal gamble to take, as seen in the research mentioned above.
Conclusion
Overall, Relational Dialectics Theory can help in understanding the way in which people communicate with the bereaved and how the bereaved communicate with not only their family and friends, but other grievers as well. The two most prevalent dialectical tensions seen in the research on this topic include the autonomy-connectedness tension and the openness-closedness tension. In addition, self-disclosure proves to be a major part of not only the openness-closedness tension but also communicating with the bereaved on a larger scale. Without self-disclosure, interpersonal communication wouldn’t be possible. Through the research discussed and the topics explored, interpersonal communication can be viewed at a high level of specificity and distinctively, through the lens of the unfortunate circumstance of death.
References
Baxter, L. A., Braithwaite, D. O., Golish, T. D., & Olson, L. N. (2002). Contradictions of Interaction for Wives of Elderly Husbands with Adult Dementia. Journal Of Applied Communication Research, 30(1), 1.
Benkel, I. U. (2009). Family and friends provide most social support for the bereaved. Palliative Medicine, 23(2), 141-149.
Herkert, B. M. (2000). COMMUNICATING GRIEF. Omega: Journal Of Death & Dying, 41(2), 93.
Toller, P. W., & Braithwaite, D. O. (2009). Grieving Together and Apart: Bereaved Parents' Contradictions of Marital Interaction. Journal Of Applied Communication Research, 37(3), 257-277. doi:10.1080/00909880903025887
Toller, P. W. (2005). Negotiation of Dialectical Contradictions by Parents who have Experienced the Death of a Child. Journal Of Applied Communication Research, 33(1), 46-66. doi:10.1080/0090988042000318512